Wednesday, April 16, 2014

New Home, New Life...




I have a little less than 30 minutes to get some writing and thoughts out... so here we go.  

Yesterday we got the text that we've been waiting for:

Congratulations!  The homeowners agreed to the terms and the home is yours!  

Or something like that. 

The Mr. and I busted out the bubble (Martinelli's natch) and celebrated.  

I AM excited and I DO like this house.... but this move is still coming with a hefty amount of trepidation.  The poor husband has had to endure my fickle feelings and existential questioning more than one person should be subjected to.  ...But is this what we really want?  Did I choose this life?  I feel like Cincinnati isn't what I would have chosen, but here we are.  When I look at the life I may have wanted, I'm not sure this is it... then again, I have multiple competing wants and I can't have them all.  I guess in order to fulfill some wants, I have to let go of others.... and maybe this want is the  best want of all...I'm not blaming you, I promise... just tell me it's going to be OK.  

He looks at me side-eyed, grabs my hand and says, It's going to be OK.  

But like I said, I AM excited.

On top of it all I have so many things grabbing and pulling at my attention I am constantly starting tasks only to get diverted seconds later by another, more pressing task.   I have to mentally run down a check list just to make sure I actually get the essentials done like, "change out of pj's before leaving the house" and "feed the baby."   

My friend and I are still working on a prom dress for a girl in our church and friends, we are hand beading the bodice and it looks pretty rad, but also the part about hand beading the bodice, which in case you missed that means we are sewing beads and trim on by hand, is taking hours upon hours.  And we thought we had 2 more weeks, but instead realized prom is this Saturday.  And yesterday when she wanted to work on the dress during the day I was all, Oh I forgot that I'm having a dental procedure done and actually have to be sedated and B is taking the day off because I will be so loopy and out of it and I'm not allowed to leave my house.  Which perfectly sums up my life lately.  "I'm so busy that the really important thing I need and agreed to do is going to have to take a back seat to the other really important thing I really need to do."  

And did I mention we flew out to Cincinnati last weekend for a whirlwind trip to see our new house?  See I should have said that first when I was talking about the house, but my head these days is just a pin-ball machine bumping and jumping from one thought and task to the next because somehow it all has to get done.  

Even the blogging must get done.  

So here I am.  

Oh and my baby?  She's grabbing her feet already.  I die.  So cute (see photo above) and the best little airplane traveler you ever did see.  

And when I once again was starting to feel nervous and unsure about our future in the beautiful, yet not-quite-exotic city of Cincinnati I just looked to my wonderful husband for that little bit of reassurance and pleaded, Just tell me it's going to be amazing and great, right?

Again he looks at me side-eyed but this time with a coy smile and says, I didn't say it was going to be great.  I said it's going to be OK. 

I'll take it.  

*****
Anyone else relate to this excited/not excited feeling?  Anxious for change, but not sure this is the change you were seeking?  But at the same time maybe it is the change you were seeking?  How did it turn out?  Just OK or were you able to make it great?  

15 comments:

  1. I'm just excited about the hand beaded dress. Can you talk more about the process of making it? did you use a pattern? can you take pictures? sewing has always been one of the things I loved. So happy for your move to Cinci. It's going to be great. (not just okay—just wait). LOVE YOU!

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  2. I am looking for a new job for the fall school year. I am crushed to leave my kids, families, and community, but the part-time work just isn't cutting it! But I'm so excited for a new place, new people, but scared of all that too! My emotions are a roller-coaster within each day.

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  3. My emotions were on the same roller coaster when we moved half way across the country. After three years I am very happy we did.

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  4. I think you described the anxious, pre-knowing-what-it-will-be-like feelings very well!
    My husband is looking for jobs in the States- we currently live in Switzerland but while we love it, we never planned on it being permanent and are ready to be back closer to family. He's deciding whether or not he wants to continue in academia, and he's applying for jobs pretty much anywhere in the U.S. So on the one hand, I think, YAY--we'll be closer to family!, on the other hand, if we moved to Boston it wouldn't be THAT much closer to family for all intents and purposes (who live in the West) but maybe that would be great anyway because we've never been on the East coast and if we moved to Utah straightaway, I feel like we would probably be finished moving forever, and I don't know that I want our 'adventures' to be over completely. And what if we move somewhere and it's not nearly as wonderful as Switzerland and we wish we would have just stayed... and none of this thinking really makes a difference right now anyway, because we have no job offers, so thinking about it is no real use. But I still think it all. :)
    I hope you love Cincinnati like crazy! Thanks for taking the time to blog! Good luck with the dentist.

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  5. That baby girl is beyond delicious!! Wherever you are is home! It will all work out. It always does.

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  6. You hit the nail on the head. My husband and I are doing the same thing, again, for his job. We just barely got settled where we are now and up we go. I hate being so far from my friends and family but I have to keep reminding myself that WE are my family too. And one day hopefully we will grow to 3 of us. But it's so hard to pull up roots and plant new ones when the possibility of another move is always there.

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  7. You are all over the place, woman! And I have to chuckle because here I am, almost 3 years into our big "final" move and I *still* feel all over the place. I am confident that once you settle into your new house, neighborhood, ward, etc that you will remember and love all those reasons you chose to go back to Cincinnati. You will make it yours. No doubt! PS I am dying to hear how the home visit went. PPS CONGRATS on getting the house!!!!! xoxo

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  8. Anonymous1:43 PM

    I moved a year ago this summer. It was only a move accross town, but it was our first home purchase and on the exact opposite corner of the city than I wanted to live in (our city is split into sections of town that are very different in lifestyle, proximity to certain amenities, demographic, etc--and I felt my identity was tied to a certain area). It was one of those situations I had heard about where I happened accross this home in an area I told our realtor to ignore, but I fell in love. My husband went with it. We liked the neighborhood, spoke to the neighbors, and prayed about it, and felt like it was a good move. It was a seller's market, so we had to move quickly.

    I remember the first weekend we were in our new home. SO FAR away from our close friends and family, SO FAR from where I pictured our lives (again, this was just across town). I felt a little sick. What did I get us into? What was I thinking? This wasn't a year long lease, this was a mortgage with lots of initial investment and closing costs, etc. Not easily undone. What if I had let my love for the house cloud my judgment? I remember telling people about our house and having the same conflicting feelings you describe. Excited about our new home but also well aware of the other really great things that we were not going to have.

    It wasn't long before I got to know more of the neighbors and their amazing kids, got acquainted with the lay of the land, and started to feel really comfortable. Proximity to other people has led to more really great friendships. Some of the initial problems I anticipated have proven to be much more easily dealt with than I expected. The benefits I hoped for in our new home have been even better than I hoped. And often it occurs to me how blessed we are to live where we do. I don't regret it.

    Also I don't think that there is only one great scenario in which we can completely and totally enjoy our lives. Obviously there will be drawbacks to every choice you make. By choosing one thing you are necessarily not choosing others. It's scary to do something that doesn't feel familiar, that involves big investments of time and money. But nothing is permanent (even if it seems so much more permanent than all the decisions before this). Let that fact console you while you go about the business of falling in love with your new home!

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  9. Katie4:22 PM

    There are so many new things in Cincinnati that I know you are going to LOVE! I promise:)

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  10. I just love ya. Nough' said.

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  11. The biggest delima of my life is deciding between two countries: Australia and the USA. It is constantly a tug-of-war in my (our) head. It's a BIG decision, settling down somewhere.

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  12. Congrats on the practice! Congrats on the house! I'm excited for you guys. You totally described everything that went through my head before we moved to Allentown. Completely NOT what I had envisioned for our little family but Phillip really, really wanted it. I went along with it because the things that matter most were going along with me and it has worked out. We are happy. I would be lying though if I didn't say that sometimes still I wish we were back in that little life I had always envisioned us being in, but also we have other experiences that we would never have if we back in that little dream life and I wouldn't want to trade those experiences for anything. You guys will get in your groove and love it. Good luck with the move! Oh, and your baby girl is a little gem. She is adorable.

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  13. I do not handle change very well. When I got a new job? Anxiety attack. When I moved in with my best friend? Anxiety attack. Obviously, change and I are not best friends. Well, I met and fell in love with this amazing guy who happens to have a job that is full of uncertainty. He essentially has to bid for a new position every two years, and often times that means a move to a new city or a new country. One of those moves was to Conakry, Guinea, which, while in a class intended to prepare oneself for living overseas, I learned was highly unstable, with a really high evacuation rate. Enter hyperventilation!! So obviously, it was extremely hard for me to leave my comfort zone, my friends, my home, everything, to get on a plane and move to this very literal foreign land. It was so hard. I don't know that I cried when we landed, and drove from the airport through the dirtiest, poorest and rundown city I've ever seen in my life, but I cried many many tears in the weeks to come. I would sleep through breakfast because even the food wasn't familiar, and I couldn't handle it. I spent all day long in my bedroom, because that's where the TV and my suitcase full of stuff was. It did get better though. Everyone in our tight knit community was so nice. There was a shared sense of hardship, and we had really great times together. But I still struggled, until I found my new normal. I was still overwhelmed by the city, and what it meant to be perceived as a "rich American" in this very poor country, so I did what I needed to feel comfortable, which meant hanging out in my compound, and essentially leaving only to go to friends houses for dinners, work, my saturday shopping trip, and the occasional meal out. I don't know that it ever got easy for me, but I made it work. I made it feel like home. I made wonderful friends, made so many memories, grew a baby there, raised a baby there, and for that Conakry will hold a special place in my heart. Now don't get me wrong, I will never go back there, but I am so glad I had the opportunity to stretch myself in ways I can't even imagine, and I am such a better person for it.

    You can do hard things.Even if it isn't the perfect place you imagined, you will make it perfect for you, and your family.

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  14. Congratulations on the house! We are still near the beginning of our journey of change. My hubby is in the HPSP program too, and San Antonio is actually on the list of locations for our own AF residency! The match is still 9 month away, but I'm biting my nails a bit already. You can do this! Then I will follow in your footsteps and do the same things too. I've actually been thinking about emailing you for tips and advice, but since I don't actually know you I thought that might be strange. Your blog gives me hope, though, that it will be alright!

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  15. DItto to all of that. I actually had a breakdown the other day because I was so anxious about moving about whether it was the right choice, etc etc etc., and actually planning escape routes and scenarios in my head. Prayer helps a lot, and so does H's reassurances, and the fact that I know that being happy somewhere is always a choice. I've always loved everywhere we've lived together, and I know we will love our new home if we decide to. Thanks for being so honest about your anxieties too.

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