Monday, August 19, 2013
Is She Ugly?
*The events in this post happened sometime last summer.
"Is she ugly?"
"No," My husband snapped back, "She's beautiful. Now get out of here. You're being rude."
I wasn't at the pool that day the 5 year old boy asked that question. Apparently he had been back and forth about 10 times just completely enamored with Lamp and unable to wrap his mind around this unique baby who sat before him. A few minutes later he brought his 9 year old sister over...
"Wow. That's kinda freaky..." She said.
"No she's not freaky. You're being rude. Go away."
When B came home and told me all about the pool that day and these 2 kids we were split as to who was more rude, the 5 year old or the 9 year old. I felt that a 9 year old should know much , much better than a 5 year old. However, I think the 5 year olds question stung a little harder to B, so he felt that he was more rude.
Either way, we both wanted to yell at those ignorant kids, yell at their ignorant parents who raised such ignorant kids and then yell at every ignorant person, young or old, who might ever come into our daughters life and say something harmful and hurtful.
The only thing I was grateful for that day was that Lamp was still unable to understand his question...at least in context. But that line gets thinner and thinner each day and there will be a day, and soon, when she understands what is being said and that it's being said about her and from that day forward there will be no turning back. And it makes me want to scream and rip my hair out and throw rocks at windows and leave bite marks in someone's flesh.
It is a constant catch-22. There is no solution. It sometimes feels like we're living in impossible. In the one sense, he's an innocent kid who is confused and intrigued. But a kid who saying hurtful things nonetheless. This is new for him, this is old for us. He wants answers, we want to be left alone. He deals with it once, we deal with it ALL THE TIME. These situations are random and different and happen in different ways at different times. And we're different from day to day--we're not perfect, so while we try to have a positive attitude sometimes we're in a bad mood or just caught off guard or just pissed that we have to be dealing with this at all. It changes and morphs from day to day and the best you can do is try to keep up, hold your head high and educate. BUT...
It hurts. Dammit. And it makes me sad and angry. And it makes me want to swear. This is my baby you're talking about. She is perfect and precious. Andyou'reastupidkidandyourdadisfat.
My daughter is different and will always be different. It is a fact. People will always be curious. People will always stare. And children will always ask questions. And yet she is perfect, innocent and undeserving of such difficult circumstances.
There is only one way I can ever start to see my way out of this conundrum, this labrynth.
It is a word I remind myself of often. All the time. Over and over.
That word is grace.
I'm going to write a few posts on the idea of grace--what it has come to mean to me and what I've learned about this idea... and, many things I still don't have a clue about as well.