Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Baby Thoughts

 
The girls planting tomatoes with their daddy


I realize I just dropped the baby bomb a couple weeks ago and haven't said much about it since.  Getting through the early stages of pregnancy was tough--it seemed that the nausea was worse this time around and thus everything slowed down quite a bit.  Like get-the-kids-breakfast-then-put-on-a-movie-and-go-back-to-bed-for-2-hours slowed down.  Of course you may have noticed the blog has slowed down as well.  And that's fine.  While I'm feeling a lot better, the first trimester sorta set the pace for our lives right now.  Besides, it's summa' time.  Life is supposed to slow down.




Being in my second trimester and having 2 other children I find myself not actually thinking that much about being pregnant.  I was a little worried about feeling so disconnected to this baby, but I've heard from a couple of friends that they felt the same way with their 3rd as life was just busier.  Both friends also said that when we find out the gender (which we should be finding out soon!) I'll have more of a connection.  I agree.  But that's all normal pregnancy stuff.  Let's address what I imagine some of you must be wondering.

Am I nervous?  Am I scared?  While Lamp is an amazing little girl and I thank God (literally) every day for the gift of her presence in our family, pregnancy and the initial news of her differences during that pregnancy was pretty tough.  So yes.  I was nervous and I was scared.




Because of our history we've already had a level 2 ultrasound.  (Technically speaking I can't really explain what a level 2 ultrasound is, but I know it's a more detailed and accurate ultrasound than your average ultrasound.  It works just the same as a regular ultrasound and from my untrained eye looks much the same as well--so honestly unless you're a professional I don't think you'd really notice a difference).  It's funny because going into it B and I had different concerns but didn't really realize that until it was over.  He was more concerned about a reoccurrence of limb issues while I was more concerned about something new and different cropping up.  Limbs differences I know and they don't really worry me.  However, remembering that unknown feeling and that no-idea-what-the-future-holds feeling from Lamp's pregnancy does scare me a little.  At least it did.


We had the ultrasound and so far so good.  At the time the baby was still very early and the only real thing we would have been able to tell would be general anatomy--and again, so far so good.  Right before the scan we were joking, C'mon Doc... just give us one hand!  In our world if you have at least one hand you can do anything!  After the ultrasound we sat down with the Doc and that's when we talked about our worries and fears.  The Dr. reassured us that everything was looking good so far and that we (I) really shouldn't worry about anything else.  He reminded us that our chances for complications are very low.  The worrying part of my brain was like, But, but... you're not God, you can't give me any guarantees... and I wanted to go right on ahead worrying.  You see, worrying is one of my defense mechanisms.  If I worry enough about it now, then it won't sting so much when the bad things actually happens.  Luckily reason and sanity won out.  Sometimes it's hard for me to step away from my good friend worry, but I've come to realize that the things I've worried about the most haven't ever actually happened.  And if they did happen, worry doesn't actually protect me from any of the hurt or pain--it simply robs me of my joy now.  Not only that, but one of the most remarkable lessons I learned from my pregnancy with Lamp was that I didn't not react the way I thought I would have.  You really don't know how you will react to something until it actually happens to you.  For better or for worse.  In Lamp's case, it was mostly for the better.


And then I thought about all my spotlight-ees.  And I remembered everything I've learned from my fellow special needs families.  And I remembered the love.  And I know that no matter what, things will be OK.  Even when OK looks different from what we thought it would be.

Kids are still kids and love is still love and life is still life.
Regardless of how this pregnancy turns out I'll still have trials and blessings, good and bad, ups and downs.  Lindsay Lohans and Audrey Hepburns.  You know what I'm saying.
 
The truth is none of us have any guarantees of anything in this life.
That thought used to terrify me, but now I'm trying to let it set me free.

*****
ps.  The girls are thrilled!  So far the general feeling is that it's a boy, although Lamp did express some concern about it being a crocodile.  Personally I'm not feeling strongly either way.  What do you think it is?  It would be fun to hear your guesses.   


12 comments:

  1. You are amazing. That's all I got to say. Oh, and congratulations. I am SO happy for you all.

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  2. Dear Miss Miggy,

    I am thrilled for you! I hope it is a boy too. I had a scan whatsy and they said it was a boy. Next day flew to Europe and when I got home I got another scan- still a BOY. Anyway he's two now and I love that kid more than anything on the planet. I run a medical negligence litigation team and I see a lot of sad things so I was so frightened about the scans. I was almost 40, my partner was almost 50- the odds weren't great, but the bottom line is, when you're ready to parent, you're ready to parent. There are no guarantees, and you two are very brave and wonderful parents. Your girls are both so lucky to have you as parents. I am a chronic worrier too. Please never stop blogging.

    Love the blog. xxxx

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  3. I have Corrie ten Boom's quote on my bathroom mirror: Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.
    She's right. And that part about everything being okay, even if okay looks different than you thought? You're right too.
    Congratulations, Miggy! Wishing you all the best.

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  4. Congratulations again! While I only have an almost three year old at home, I have found that I am definitely more pre-occupied this pregnancy and have guilty for not really focusing on the baby as much as I did with my first. But a quick reminder that life was totally different then, I am okay with where I am. I think finding out the gender (we go in a couple weeks too) will definitely make a difference. We are trying to hold out telling our son until we know the gender as well.

    I am a worrier by nature, and ever since my son was born I have really focused on not worrying. I take solace that I am exactly where God wants me to be, and it's His plan, not mine. So when I start to worry about things I cannot control, I just remember to be present and feel the joy of this particular moment. And most of the time there is joy in every situation... eventually. Hope you continue to feel well!!

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  5. pallavi10:13 AM

    Glad everything is looking good...very happy for you

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  6. I don't think it's a crocodile, but I am kind of feeling girl. But I'm usually wrong, so it will probably be a boy. ;)

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  7. I think that you are holding back on your feelings for your baby because of what you fear. The more the pregnancy goes on and the ultrasounds keep on coming in with good news, the more attached you will be. Unless it is a crocodile, hah, love that one So sending positive thoughts and ((((((HUGS))))).

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  8. Anonymous9:03 PM

    I think girl!
    But often I also am wrong.
    For the record, when we had our third I was worried as my husband didn't seem as connected or into it as with our first two - although I am not sure he realized it. Anyways - once baby was here it was clear I should not have worried! That baby is 5 now and they are very close. Life just is busy with two little ones! A family of three is lovely. Very excited for you all, and thank you for sharing yours!
    Linda

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  9. Anonymous10:03 PM

    I'm thinking a boy teddy bear. : ) Lamp's concern was so cute. I think a human boy.

    I understand about worrying. I think I've earned a degree in worrying, I've done it so much.

    Lena

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  10. Just came across this post now. Great thoughts and perspective. Love it, love you!

    PS this also reminded me that I've been wanting to do a potting party with my kids for some time now. Totally forgot about it with all the other distractions. It's going back on the list.

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  11. I love reading your blog, and your girls are just darling. Congrats on the new baby, and making it through your first trimester. Hope you start to feel better.

    Side note, Lamp's curls are so sweet, I just want to twirl them all day.

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  12. Kelly7:41 AM

    Hi, What great times you have with your kids!
    I have a big request for you :) I'm currently completing an early childhood degree at university and I need to find a picture of children on a roof. Your picture with the three children standing with their arms open wide would be unbelievably perfect (it's to go with a story of a play memory from our own childhood, and unfortunately I don't have a picture of my own roofing adventures - Mum was too busy telling us off lol). It will only be seen by myself and the university lecturers, and I will include your blog in my reference list.
    Feeling hopeful,
    Kelly

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