photo by Rachel Thurston
The past week has been a mix of throwing caution to the wind and living in the moment, while also taking care of some necessary business like therapy appointments and immunizations. So it goes....
And while I'm trying to soak up these last days with my oldest under my wing day-in and day-out, it's become clear to me what I'm going to miss the most. I think it was CS Lewis who said something like this: If there are 3 people--A, B and C--and A dies, B doesn't just lose his relationship with A, but he also loses the relationship between A and C, the special things that only A could bring out in C. So it is that I'm not just losing the time and daily interaction I have with PSP, but I'm also saying goodbye to seeing that special connection she has with her little sister a hundred times a day. Certainly no one is dying here, but it's a big change nonetheless. It will be nice having more one and one time with Lamp, but trust me....I'm no Big Sister. Sure mom is great for diaper changes, meal time and boo-boo cuddles, but I am not who she wants to play dress up, dollies and princesses with. I am not the one who crawls in her crib, hides under the curtain with her and then jumps out singing at the top of her lungs when mom walks in the door.
I'm not the one who turns a throw-away cardboard box into a train ride across the floor.
I'm not the one who makes a crown for myself and then a matching one for her. And I'm not the one who glues the jewels back on when they fall off.
I'm not the one who sits on the mat with her at the local story time, helping her color when the stories are over and making sure she has her bear and blankie when needed.
I'm not the one who sits behind her on the merry-go-round holding on tight so she can enjoy the ride with the other big kids.
And I'm not the one who rides ponies with her.
And I'm certainly not the one who makes an entire zoo for my little sister.
Complete with a rare baby seal...
and miniature elephant.
And I'm not the one who pushes her through the zoo in the baby-doll stroller she still miraculously fits in.
Nope I'm just the one behind the camera or iphone trying to capture these memories while not missing the moment. I'm just the lucky mom who gets to claim these two as my offspring and feel my heart smile as I watch this little duo in action. Pretty much my favorite duo in the history of all duo's. I don't know if all moms feel this way, but I really feel like they have something special. There is a love and connection there I couldn't possibly teach. Perhaps I feel especially grateful because it was a relationship that once seemed threatened by an unknown diagnosis with an unknown future. Whatever sisterly relationship I once idealized in my head, they have blown that ideal out of the water. I can honestly say, I wasn't prepared for it to be this sweet. Sometimes I feel like it's their world and we're just living in it.
I'm totally OK with that.