Sunday, June 27, 2010

Letter To Lamp



Dear Lamp,

Well hello you little stinker.  It's looking like life with you is going to be quite an adventure.  From the early stages of pregnancy with 2 {two!} threatened miscarriages, to our mid-pregnancy surprise of learning that you are going to have some physical {and maybe additional} challenges, to this latest little stunt you pulled of running everyone into a tizzy with your impending and early arrival...you are definitely keeping us on our toes.  Now I could try to play this off and make it sound like I'm totally ready for everything you're going to throw our way.  I could try to pretend that I'm not completely freaked out by becoming a mother the second time around and all that having a new baby entails--let alone a special needs baby.  But that's just not the case...I'm scared.  Not quite petrified, but scared.  However, the last thing I want is you getting all worked up worrying about me... you just focus on making a quick and uneventful entrance into this world and I'll take care of the rest.

There is however, something I want to talk to you about.  Or someone I should say.  Someone who's helped me be a little less scared of this whole motherhood gig.  Your sister.  I don't know if you've heard, but she was also quite the little stinker--a fussy little mad-looking baby who made her mama feel totally inadequate.  There were times I questioned if I was cut out to be a mom.  I'm not just saying that, I really thought that maybe I just didn't have what it takes.  I thought that perhaps Heavenly Father had made a huge mistake by giving a baby to someone as ill equipped as me....I sorta wanted to see some heavenly documentation, like who signed off on this lady?  But as time moved on, my confidence grew and so did my heart.  I know that a lot of moms feel an instant bond and connection with their babies from the beginning, but I didn't.  There was an instinct to love and protect, but it was mild and sometimes fleeting {baby blues/ppd played some role in this FYI}.  Because that strong maternal love wasn't there from the very beginning, when it eventually caught up and came upon me full force, it took me by surprise and completely overwhelmed me... in the best way possible.  Since that time I have often thanked Heavenly Father for knowing me better than I know myself.  For knowing that I would love being a mom.  For giving me such a precious and cherished gift as your sister.... as motherhood.

Now why did I tell you all about your big sister when this is supposed to be a letter to you?  Well not only did she open my heart up to motherhood in general, she also opened up my heart to you specifically.  From the very beginning when we told her I was having a baby she was ecstatic.  In addition to naming you Lamp, she never let us forget for one day that you were already a part of our family.  When playing hide-and-go-seek for Family Home Evening one night, she insisted that it was Lamp's turn to hide!  Kinda tricky, but we pulled it off.  When she goes to bed at night she remembers to give you hugs and kisses.  She talks to you almost every morning and waits patiently for you to give her hand a gentle kick.  She brings you toys to play with and stares at my belly exclaiming, awwww, she's so cute mom!  My love for you has already been established in no small way due directly to the love of your sister.  Because I know what motherly love is, I already love you.  So while you continue to plot the next emotional roller coaster for us to ride on, I just wanted to let you know that while I would have loved you no matter what, you've got a wonderful sister to thank for the fact that I love you now.

Take care and enjoy that womb while you still can.

Love,
Mom


*photo

4 comments:

  1. that was so sweet. That sweet little bean, I love her right now. all of you!

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  2. So sweet. Print that letter and save it for Lamp's box of special things to keep throughout her life. Thank you for sharing with your loved ones what's in your heart!

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  3. Beautiful.

    This little Miggy is amazing.

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  4. This gives me goose bumps. I love it. Way to go for getting on LGN too by the way! I recognized that chevron print instantly!

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