Thursday, September 10, 2009

I Get It


Denver and I.... we seem to have a love hate thing going on. For whatever reason I can't seem to leave Denver on good terms. Which is a shame because I grew up there and I love it. I love driving around and recognizing my past. It's wonderful and beautiful and I don't make it back often enough.

The last time I was in Denver was for my wedding four years ago. The Mr. and I drove out one week after our nuptials, and one day after our honeymoon to have our Denver reception. It was quick. Drive in Friday. Reception Saturday. Drive out Sunday.

There was a slight change of plans when Sunday morning, after the reception, I became violently ill. I've never thrown up so much in my life, in fact I don't remember ever being that sick. I hit the toilet every 20 minutes for 3 hours and sporadically throughout the rest of the day. I ended up taking a last minute flight back to Utah so I didn't have to spend 8 hours in a car being as sick as I was. That was the last time I came to Denver.

This time I was coming with child in tow, excited to spend the week with family and friends while soaking up all the Denver-ness that Denver had to offer.

Change of plans. Instead of leaving this Sunday, I came home yesterday. This time I'm not throwing up. I'm having a miscarriage.

And now, I get it. I get why this is so hard.

Why no matter how normal it is and how everyone and their dog has had a miscarriage, it's really hard when it's you. How the gap between your first and your second just expanded a few more months, possibly years. How the realization that this isn't in your hands at ALL has just been confirmed once more. How impossible it is to will it away with positive thinking. How long it took to get pregnant this time around and how hard it is to let it go. How the world that was changed with a positive pregnancy test, is once again changed with cramping and blood.

At this point I wouldn't say I'm devastated, but I'm sad. And I have a feeling that this sadness will linger a while, which is fine. Perhaps sad will turn into devastation, but I hope not. I know I'll be fine and our family will adjust and life will go on, but for now I get it.


I debated about putting this out there on the blog like this, but we had just started telling friends, including good friends I don't talk to very often so for now this felt like a good way to get the word out while sharing some feelings at the same time. I'm gonna close the comments for this one.