Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Food: A Proclamation to the World


As it was an extra chilly morning, I decided to pull out some Malt-o-Meal for Breakfast. Maple and Brown Sugar. Yum. Then I saw the expiration date. December 4, 2003.

Fun Fact #1: My husband and I didn't get married until 2005.
Fun Fact #2: We didn't even know each other when this Malt-o-Meal expired. It wouldn't be until 1 year after the expiration of this Malt-o-Meal, December 2004, that we would go on our first date.

My husband has carted this box of Malt-o-Meal around for the past 6+ years. It makes sense really. His mom is sorta known for eating stuff waaaaaay past the expiration date. Food that is in the rotting stage even. She was raised by a depression era grandmother who never wasted food and to this day she can't shake the habit. Therefore I, being one who refuses to eat rotting or even questionable food, have been labeled picky. I have a delicate palate. Such a dainty little girl...hehehehe. Mostly these are my husbands thoughts, but I'm pretty sure the rest of the family thinks so as well.

Scene 1: A couple summers ago when we were at my in-laws there was a giant tupperware bowl filled with cut up watermelon. It was delicious. We all stood around feasting on the melon of water. Then I got a piece that made me gag. It tasted like turpentine. Paint thinner? Whatever it was it was nasty. When I spoke up and said I think some of this watermelon is bad my husband was quick to roll his eyes...oh geeze, here she goes again. You always think food is going bad. Everyone else concurred, the watermelon was fine...not just fine, great. My husband takes another bite. His face contorts. He got a bite of the turpentine watermelon. Oh yeah, there's something wrong with this watermelon. Sweet mother of validation.

See! SEE!!
It was just that once he concluded. You're still paranoid.

Scene 2: The following Christmas, again at my in-laws, we're feasting on the traditional Christmas Eve crab legs and steak. Divine and succulent. But the crab, there's something wrong with my crab. I scan the table. Everyone else is eating the crab just fine. They're loving it. I don't want to say anything because it will just be the eye-rolling and the you're so picky again. I can't remember if I said something, or if I just offered some of my crab to my husband but as soon as he tasted my crab {why was this just my crab?} he knew there was something wrong with it too. I'm pretty sure he spit it out. Once again, I was right. Not that I wanted to be right...when crab is bad, it's BAD.

Unfortunately the crab went on to be stored in a freezer with a bunch of other food and contaminating it with it's gross crabby taste. I couldn't eat the egg poof the next morning because it tasted like nasty crab. People laughed until they tasted it--yep, tastes like nasty crab. I believe my mother in law was the only one willing to eat the crab tinged egg poof. The creme brulee also had a slight crab feel to it. Most of the family couldn't detect that one, but I stood by my guns. We joked about it being The Crab that Ruined Christmas. {Of course it didn't.... nothing can ruin Christmas. The Grinch taught me that}.

In conclusion and for the record I'd like to solemnly proclaim that regardless of the opinions or preferences of those around me I refuse to eat rotten food. And if there is still some question regarding the state of my delicate palate, I'd like to offer my husband an alternate theory. Perhaps, it's not me. Maybe I'm not overly picky. Maybe, just maybe it's you and your iron clad stomach genes.

Either that or your family is trying to poison me.


PS I threw out the Malt-o-Meal.

12 comments:

  1. 1. Ohmygoodness!!! Hi :) Not freaked out. I told my husband about your comment, he said, "Huh. That sounds like something you would say." (freaky!)
    So, lets! Judging from the pictures of your house, I suspect you live maybe 2 miles from us... won't for, you know, internets sake, mention the neighborhood you live in, but is it something you would find on a compass+side?
    2. My father would get seriously irate if I even suggested that he might cut the 1/4" blanket of fuzzy white and blue polka dot mold off the block of cheese. He swears it's worth more that way. How are these people still alive? I can totally sympathize with your "daintiness".
    3. Thanks for the post about Parky's Farm. I am ashamed to admit we have lived here
    (less than 5 miles from PF)for a year, and I just took my boy today. And it was the coolest. Someone in high school told me there were midgets there. And I was slightly creeped out. So always avoided it. I know.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Are you sure you didn't recently buy that Malt O Meal from the bodega across from the Towers? We bought a jar of salsa there once, that expired in 2001 (also a year before H and I met). Unfortunately we didn't notice until AFTER we used it in a new-mom meal. Funny stories.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I don't think it is weird to not eat stuff that has gone bad. My mom does the same thing that your in laws too and it grosses me out.
    Also, a couple months ago the Ensign had an article about food storage and not eating anything past the expiration date. So I always throw that in my moms face. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Eric and I are totally the same way. I won't touch anything that even looks a bit limp. Eric scrapes off the mold and forges ahead. I refuse to touch milk on the use by in NYC date, Eric thinks it is silly, and will drink it until he can detect that it is bad. I only clean the fridge when he is not home, so he won't see how much food I am throwing out.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I completely agree with not eating food after the expiration... I just have to establish that before I say my next comment. I also think you and your bro. have some random gene that makes taste buds extra sensitive or something :) He'll tell me to buy brand name foods and sometimes I don't because I'm trying to spend a little less at the store- but I swear, he will always say something like, "did you use the same (insert type of food) as always, because this tastes different." I'm like, how can you tell?!?!?! If the food is all by itself, I could maybe understand, but it's even when it's all combined in a sauce or casserole. That just seems like more than a coincidence that you two are more like that than most people, just saying :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. your comment had me LOL too :) but okay, just to clarify... (i don't want to be in a fight with you!) if the food is rotten, of course I don't think you should eat it, but I'm just saying that maybe you & Brandon are built with some survival mechanism that the rest of us don't have... you know, like if we had to live off of the land we would have you two taste something first -because you have better taste buds- and if it past the gk-test then we could all know that we're safe to eat it. :) Don't think I'll ever roll my eyes at you, I've eaten enough meals with Brandon to know he's not being picky, he just has better taste buds :) B will be saying the same thing in a couple of years too!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I found a box of microwave popcorn a month ago that we were given as part of a wedding present.

    Twelve years ago.

    That means we've moved that box of popcorn four times. Yes.

    (It went into the garbage.)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Sunny--Wrote you back on your blog.

    Christina--I actually thought you might have been right for a second. But we're pretty sure it's from Utah and the college days. That place was nasty.

    Heather--Good point. The Ensign! I'm totally bringing that up.

    Julia--I knew you'd be on my side.

    Crombie--You know I'm not really mad at you. You're like the most impossible person to be in a fight with, it only made me laugh more because you're probably right. {But if it was a contest between my brother and me on who was more picky, he'd totally win right?}

    Az--You win. 12 years is redonkulous. But I think we get some props for our Malt-o-Meals travel schedule...from Utah, to NYC to Ohio. Kinda impressive....

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am laughing so hard right now- this is hysterical!!!!! HAAA!
    I'm paranoid about expired food and eating at my sweet little depression-era grandma's house was always a risk/adventure/labor of love because you never knew what you were going to get or how old it was, but we'd always just eat it so as not to hurt her feelings. Her juice especially always had a little "snap" to it and we'd tease her about the word of wisdom every time. Anyway this post tickled me and brought back funny memories of my own. That's impressive about the malt-o-meal, seriously. I think I have some baking powder that's moved around with me since 1999 so I can relate.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Okay after reading this post it took me right back to Grandma's house. If only you could have seen her month-old angel food cake that she would serve us every time we would visit... I think it was the same one every time, slowly getting older and older every time we went. I can only imagine how our parents were taught to save things, and I have to agree with you, Aunt D is probably the worst of the bunch. Thanks for bringing back some very good (but not delicious) memories!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Too funny! My parents constantly have rotten food in their fridge. Its like they just don't have enough people in their house to eat the food before it is bad. Recently, I opened a jar of tomato sauce to find a film of mold on the top, and I promptly threw it out, only to find the same jar back in the fridge later that day. As if my dad (and I'm sure it was him) was going to scrape it off and eat whatever is underneath. Its not like this was cheese, which we would, of course, simply remove the offending layer. But best of all is that my parents do, and always have fed us expired medication. And only samples. If they have not received a sample of medication from a drug rep, it does not exist in that household. This from a Doctor and Nurse!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Lol. That was funny. I'm impressed that you guys stored that sucker through two kitchens in NYC (even if your second kitchen was a gloriously large kitchen). Space is space.

    ReplyDelete