Monday, May 25, 2009

Heart Stopping and Heart Breaking

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Today was Beanie's and my last day in the city. I decided to make it fun and memorable. I decided a beautiful day in Central Park with friends and B's family would be a good final memory of the city. But before we got too far into the morning Bean decided to to stop my beating heart.

As we were leaving the house for Central Park we ran into some of our best friends. Noah is one of Bean's very favorite friends. So as I was chatting with Noah's mom {one of my best NYC friends} Bean and Noah were happily running up and down the street--not too far from us mind you--and being their silly usual selves. Suddenly Bean runs over to the side of the street. I yell her name in a panicky voice stopping her dead in her tracks on the edge of the sidewalk. She stops. Looks right at me. Then darts between the parked cars into the street. I SCREAM. And RUN. I grab her just as she's almost in the middle of the road. There were no cars coming. But that does not stop my panic and shock. I was shaking and mad and screaming. That was by far the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. It was sheer luck that there were no cars, because this is New York City and pretty much every street is a busy street. It took a while for me to calm down. Fragile. Fragile. Life is so fragile. Oh how my world could have changed in an instant. I cried about it later in the day.

The good thing about this experience is that deep down I've questioned those very basic mother bear instincts. If Beanie was ever in true peril would I be brave enough to risk life and limb and come to her aid? Would I hesitate even the slightest bit, or would I rush right into battle. As mothers we like to think that yes, we'd absolutely do anything but sometimes I've wondered... would I hesitate? Would I pause? Well the answer is no. I had no idea there wasn't a car coming until I was already in the middle of the street myself.

Good to know. That was the heart stopping.

After much calming down the rest of the day was great. My good friend Andrea spent the day with us down in the park. We met up with my Mother-in-law and 2 sisters-in-law for some quality Central Park time. Beanie was having a ball. Then in true NY fashion Andrea and I hiked 50 blocks to grab some lunch. Bean slept on the way and woke up in a good mood. When we came home late in the afternoon we walked through the apartment one last time and I held back tears. I think it was the window over looking the Hudson river where Bean used to brush her teeth and look for boats that really got me. Then we turned in our keys. The doorman on duty gave us both big hugs and said he was going to miss us. Then we spent one last evening in the garden in front of our building.

As much as I'm going to miss our friends, I really think I'll be in touch with most of them. I'm sad, but not too sad. We've got the blogosphere, email, etc. But actually leaving the city is what's going to be tough. That's the heartbreak for me. There have been a couple places in my life that are significant because of the growth and change I underwent during my time there, and for those reasons those places have been welded to my heart. NYC was the place I became a wife and mother. How could any place be more significant?

I heart NY.


  1. Oh Amy, I am so sorry to hear about Beanie! I am also very sad to have you leaving New York. All the best of luck to your little family in your new digs and we will be anxiously awaiting updates on how life is going in suburbia. Good luck1

  2. That gave me goose bumps! What a cool place to become a wife and mother in. NY seems so you. I can't wait to read about your new adventures. The same thing happened with PK running in the street last year. Then to my next door neighbor's little boy a few weeks ago. So scary.

  3. Oh, how heart wrenching! I don't think anything in life makes us more aware of how fragile our existence is the way motherhood does.

    J and I watched Valkyrie last night and during the scene where he takes his wife and kids into a bomb shelter as the place is being blitzed just made my heart stop. The thought of children-- my children-- being in peril just makes my stomach sink.

    I'm sorry you will miss NY. Hopefully, your next {beautiful!!} residence will provide many more happy memories.

  4. this post reminded me of something i realized while i was living in tuscaloosa, alabama during my husband's law school years. as we were packing to leave i was heartbroken. this puzzled me because while i loved tuscaloosa, the entire law school part was a terribly trying experience for me. but as i reflected on my wonderful friends who had become family and the life-altering experiences i enjoyed, i realized that i was having a a waters of mormon experience. tuscaloosa had taken on a new beauty and it truly had become a place where i had come to know God. and that's what made leaving so difficult.

  5. We miss you already! LB will never be the same. Anxious to hear how about your new city.

    So glad that Beanie was ok. I will probably have the same experience at some point in the next year.

  6. I don't blame you for feeling so much during this time. I can't imagine the time when I will be posting about my own time in NYC as a wife and mom and then leaving. I really want to keep in touch. I am excited for your new journey, too. I am so lucky I got to run in to your run. hehe. I needed that parting sweaty hug. ha. I miss you already. Take care!