Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Being Mormon is Funny

This post may only be funny to the Mormons out there . . . but we accept all people, so please keep reading. We all have those church stories. . . you know the story where someone got up and said something from the pulpit that made the entire congregation let out a collective gasp/laugh or perhaps stunned everyone into absolute (albeit uncomfortable) silence. People were sharing just such stories on one of my favorite blogs and I thought I would post some of them on here. Please enjoy. (The first one is my favorite).

Here’s my contribution: When a baby was being blessed, the nervous father accidentally gave the baby the priesthood. All the men stopped and took their hands off the baby in silence so the grandfather waved both hands over the baby and said “undone”. Apparently that was good enough, because they continued on with the blessing.

I think that is hilarious. . . like it's a spell or something . . . "Undone!" This one is pretty good too.

in testimony meeting in my ward in frenchtown montana about 15 years ago, a lady got up to bear her testimony. she started off with the typical stuff, but then it got really emotional about how bad her life had been lately and how much she’d been struggling. then she said that she had fallen walking down the stairs to her car, and turned and showed everyone the mud on the back of her dress. then she said something to the effect of “and as i was driving to church this morning, i ran over this little critter.” and she pulled a live, but badly maimed, squirrel from her pocket. she gently stroked it as she finished bearing her testimony. then she put the little critter back in her sweater pocket, and went back to the pew and sat down like it was the most normal thing in the world to have a squirrel with its guts hanging out just sitting there writhing in your pocket.

this is not an urban legend. i swear i was there.

And some more. . .

oh, and the dude in my TEMPLE PREP CLASS who rolled his eyes while discussing joseph’s first vision and said, “big deal, jesus appears to me all of the time.” dude. he went on and on about jesus hanging out in his house and stuff. weeeeeirdo.

This one is a little scary and funny.

My sister’s ward in CA had all the great stories. Here’s my two favorites:
Two men in the ward went into business together. One of them pulled out and left the other hanging. In sacrament meeting the first man got up and started describing the situation, then said that he prayed about it and God revealed to him that “I’m supposed to kill brother X.” At first a few people laughed, then as he continued they realized he was serious.

In the same ward a younger man got up to bear his testimony and said that he didn’t really know how to put it into words himself but there’s this great song that describes how he feels about Jesus perfectly. So he pulls out his boom box, puts it only the pulpit and turns on Shania Twain’s “Still the one.” He would have stayed up there and played the whole song, and kept fighting the bishop off.

Here's another. . .

In my ward growing up, there was a failed-cop-turned-private-investigator who used to wear mirrored sunglasses all through church, and he always carried at least one “concealed” weapon. About midway through SM, he’d stand up, adjust his suit jacket so we could all see his gun, and slowly turn around, surveying the congregation. Funny, though, it didn’t make me feel any safer.

And finally. . .


A couple of months ago, I guy returned to our singles ward in WA from a long stay in Utah and bore his testimony in F & T. He told everyone that the purpose of his testimony was for the Spirit to touch some sister in the audience with the desire to be his wife, and that he had faith that this would happen– and instructed whoever the girl might be to come find him after testimony meeting. He informed everyone that he wasn’t wearing his glasses that day, so his judgements wouldn’t get in the way in case she was unattractive.
Needless to say none of the girls talked to him for a long time.


Oh so funny. Please feel free to post similar stories if you have 'em.

7 comments:

  1. SHANIA TWAIN?!? I've got nothing. That cannot be topped.

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  2. Nothing I have can beat the poor woman with the squirrel! Hilarious Amy!

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  3. If I didn't know you I would think you were totally making this up. I don't think I could even make up something as good as those were.

    I seriously can't get over these stories. Crazier and crazier.

    These need to go in some Mormon archive of sorts.

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  4. I'm confused. This all seems very normal. What's so funny about saving your roadkill?

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  5. My cousin-in-law who is a convert started going to church with his girlfriend (my cousin). He was a little skeptical about the church being a brainwashed cult, you know, the usual skepticism. So his first Sunday just happened to be fast and testimony meeting and this little, can't be older than 3-year-old boy gets up with his mom and as LOUD as he can in the microphone says with his speech impediments and all, "CHUCH TWRUE!!!!" And then sat down. I don't know how my cousin ever got baptized!

    My cousin (the member girlfriend) had a crazy ward in DC. Once a man got up with half a grapefruit on his head and claimed he was receiving revelation through the grapefruit. Another time a woman got up and bore her testimony about her dogs and how upset she was coming home from work one day to find her scriptures all torn apart and scattered because her dogs had gotten to them. She said, "I was so upset and then I stopped to think that maybe that's how my dog's see me tearing through my scriptures and THEY were just hungry for the word of God like I was!"

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  6. F&T meeting in my homeward in PA a man got up and recited all the lyrics to "What if God is one of us"

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  7. Holy Trash those stories are HILARIOUS! And they ARE true stories?

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